Since this blog is new and no one knows it exists yet, I feel free now to write some things that I might otherwise be horrified to know the public is reading. Some day I might regret this freedom, because there is such a thing as an archive. But that’s a worry for another time.
So today was a hard day, and while the exact circumstances that made today hard are different from the details of other hard days, one thing that it does have in common with other hard days is that it dredges up certain familiar feelings that I get really tired of warring. The emotion to which I refer is feeling like the odd-man-out. Or in my case, the odd-woman-out.
You see, for all my life I have battled the feeling of never quite fitting in. Whether it’s my upbringing and life circumstances as a child, or my life experiences, or my interests, or my abilities… choose your poison. At any given time, each of these “topics” has reared its head and in some way has made me feel somehow “less than” my peers. Less than, different from, odd, strange, not quite belonging. Like my life and interests have made me, for whatever reason, some hybrid of unusual, and that no one else can relate.
Yes, it’s true. I grew up under the poverty line, in government-subsidized housing, never being able to afford the latest clothes… or clothes which hand-me-downs, for that matter. We used food stamps (now called EBT, I believe), lived on the other side of town from all my classmates thereby making it next to impossible to participate in social activities. I could go on about that, but I’ll stop there.
Then I reached adulthood and my unusual ways did not stop. I love history, was fascinated by classical philosophy, engross myself in learning pretty much anything and find it thrilling. My interests are outside pop culture, are beyond the things one is “supposed to love” and much more specialized.
It’s tough to have such unique interests. Being unique, while lauded in the public eye, is not truly valued when that uniqueness goes outside the norm. And it feels isolating when you are so unique in your interests that you can’t ever seem to find people who share those same interests and talents.
It’s easy to label yourself on a daily basis with “I am _______.”
Really, that blank can be filled with anything.
Fighting this kind of fight is pretty daily for me. Other people have other struggles, but my daily struggle is feeling odd, uniquely-gifted, but still odd nonetheless.
So what is one to do?
I have to speak truth to myself. I have to persevere, and keep pushing through and pushing on. I have to know the truth, I have to claim the truth, and I have to use the truth to battle the voices that want to overcome the truth.
I am a new creation
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17
I am free from condemnation
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1
I am a child of God
See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Beloved, we are God’s children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is. 1 John 3:1-2
I am a friend of God
See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Beloved, we are God’s children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is. John 15:15
I am chosen by God
You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. John 15:16
I am free
So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:36
I have access to God
Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16
I have been redeemed and forgiven
In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight Ephesians 1:7-8
I have the mind of Christ
“For who has understood the mind of the Lord so as to instruct him?” But we have the mind of Christ. 1 Corinthians 2:16
I am never alone
“Teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” Matthew 28:20
And the thing about all these statements is that they are always true, even when I’m struggling, fighting, or forgetting them. These are my weapons, and just like any other weapon — a sword, gun, sling shot — these are not helpful unless they get used. And it’s not a one-time thing. I can’t wield the weapon and be done with it. I must get them out and practice with them, get real battlefield experience with them, keep them sharp and ready for the next time I need them.
Because we live in a broken world, share spaces with broken people, and live broken lives. All of us. Each one of us.
Lord, help me show myself the same grace you have shown me.
Sage Waters 